I got so fat, I lost my penis.

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 When Jeff Beacher's weight ballooned to 415 pounds in 2014 (left), his sex drive suffered. Today, he weighs 195 pounds (right).

Zany entertainer Jeff Beacher — who created the outrageous vaudeville revue “Beacher’s Madhouse” — once tipped the scales at a whopping 415 pounds. His bulk took its toll on his health and sex life. Here, the 40-year-old tells The Post’s Jane Ridley how a stomach surgery changed his life — and helped him find a long-lost friend.

I’d always been fat, but it’s something else when you’re so fat, you can’t find your penis.
That’s what happened to me. At more than 400 pounds and 5 feet 7 inches tall, I’d have to hunt around in my flab to locate it before I went to the bathroom or attempt to have sex.
It’s not something I’m proud to admit, but it’s important to break the taboo. I’m convinced that, in common with a lot of obese men, for every 20 to 30 pounds I gained in weight, I lost an inch from my manhood.
My weight issues date back to my childhood in Woodmere, Long Island, when I would comfort-eat to feel better. “Guess what? You’re adopted!” my older sister told me when I was 12. It was a shock and the first thing I reached for was a donut. Even though my parents were the greatest in the world, the experience led to a sense of emotional insecurity and fear of abandonment.
As the years went by, I piled on the pounds. I got into stand-up comedy and developed this fat, funny persona which I now realize was something to hide behind. I launched the “Beacher’s Madhouse” revue show at Madison Square Garden’s Paramount Theatre in New York in 2002 — currently at The Roosevelt Hotel in LA — when I was 26 years old. The following year, ever the showman, I stripped down to a Speedo in the middle of a casino and belly-flopped into the 10,000-gallon fish tank to promote my new show in Las Vegas. It certainly caused a splash.

I became good friends with the likes of Miley Cyrus and Mariah Carey, who loved the show with its trademark monkeys and flying midget bartenders. But dining out with A-listers — often having two lavish lunches, two multi-course dinners chased by 20 vodka Red Bulls — didn’t help my battle with the bulge. One of my acts with the midgets was the Mini-Chips, our version of the Chippendales, where we’d strip naked on stage. I wasn’t a pretty sight.
My sex life didn’t stop just because I was 350 pounds and I’ve slept with more than 100 women to date. After my girlfriend of six months ran off with my lead midget in November 2007, I mostly had sex with groupies. However, by 2014, because of my 415-pound bulk and my shrinking penis, it was difficult to have full sex, no matter what positions were used.
“I’m too drunk to get an erection,” I’d say to the groupies. My libido diminished, but I’d lie to tell my friends about all the sex I was getting.
Things came to a head in September 2014, when I didn’t sleep for three days because I was literally choking on my fat and had sleep apnea. Larry Rudolph, who manages Miley and Britney Spears, and his fiancee Jen Barnett encouraged me to go to a holistic vegan weight-loss center in West Palm Beach, Fla. As a result, I shed around 80 pounds during my stay and over the next four months.
But, when the weight started piling back on, I knew I had to do something radical. In April 2015, I underwent gastric sleeve surgery. It reduced the size of my stomach and is just an aid. You can still eat badly, drink liquor and gain weight. Instead, I made the right choices, ate healthily and took up exercise.
The pounds dropped off, and I now tip the scales at 195 pounds, after having at least 10 pounds of extra skin surgically removed. And the best thing of all is that my penis has miraculously gone back to its previous size, around 8 or 9 inches when erect.
I’m dating right now and there are no issues with sex. Soon, I’d like to meet a quality girl and settle down, maybe have kids.
Best of all, I feel like my whole existence has changed for the better. The insecurities which made me obese also gave me my drive and made me incredibly successful. Having the same drive and success with a clear head and a healthy body has made my life perfect. I never admitted it to myself at the time, but losing my penis emasculated me and damaged my confidence. Now that I’ve found it again, I’m ready to finish conquering the world.

 

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