My best friend suddenly stopped speaking to me at school. It still hurts.
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When I remember her name, I feel
like I’m retracing an old scar with a fingertip. No matter how much time
passes the memory still makes me wince with pain. I know that what
happened made me who I am. I might not be so happy if I hadn’t been so
sad. But if I could go back in time and protect Teen Me, I would.
Just before my 14th birthday, my best friend stopped speaking to me.
It’s embarrassing to call it a trauma. Nobody died. Teenagers are notoriously flaky. Their relationships change on the hour. At first, my parents and teachers described it as a “tiff”. “Everyone falls out! You’ll be friends again in no time!” beamed my head of year. But we didn’t have that sort of relationship. We’d never argued - and I had no idea what I’d done wrong.
It started when she blanked me on the first day back after the Christmas holidays. Then I’d enter a room filled with our mutual friends, to hear laughter - and then silence. “Nothing’s wrong! You’re crazy!” she’d say, when I begged her to tell me what the matter was - before she retreated to the opposite side of the playground. My worst relationship break up was less emotionally painful than the end of that friendship.
Just before my 14th birthday, my best friend stopped speaking to me.
It’s embarrassing to call it a trauma. Nobody died. Teenagers are notoriously flaky. Their relationships change on the hour. At first, my parents and teachers described it as a “tiff”. “Everyone falls out! You’ll be friends again in no time!” beamed my head of year. But we didn’t have that sort of relationship. We’d never argued - and I had no idea what I’d done wrong.
It started when she blanked me on the first day back after the Christmas holidays. Then I’d enter a room filled with our mutual friends, to hear laughter - and then silence. “Nothing’s wrong! You’re crazy!” she’d say, when I begged her to tell me what the matter was - before she retreated to the opposite side of the playground. My worst relationship break up was less emotionally painful than the end of that friendship.
- 'Breaking up with my best friend was harder than losing any boyfriend'
Teenage girls are, I think, far smarter and more resourceful than
they are given credit for being. Present them with intense pain, and
they’re clever enough to forge their own route to recovery. But I’m
encouraged to hear that Ms Lunnon has acknowledged the seriousness of
the end of a friendship. Students might not be able to avoid it, but
they can take lessons from it that will prove invaluable later.
On my own, I came up with a range of coping mechanisms - some excellent, some terrible. I spent a lot of time hiding in libraries and reading weird, thrilling books that were never going to turn up on the English syllabus. Armistead Maupin taught me that my experience was akin to adult heartbreak, and I was in good company.
On my own, I came up with a range of coping mechanisms - some excellent, some terrible. I spent a lot of time hiding in libraries and reading weird, thrilling books that were never going to turn up on the English syllabus. Armistead Maupin taught me that my experience was akin to adult heartbreak, and I was in good company.
Mary Gaitskill was the writer who showed me that female friendships were intense, my feelings were legitimate and I wasn’t crazy. And Bret Easton Ellis helped me to understand that I lived in a world where humans would do bafflingly horrible things to each other for selfish reasons - or for no reason at all.
I convinced myself that my friend had ditched me because I wasn’t thin enough for her, and stopped eating.
But then I went to a drama club, and made friends who didn’t go to my school. I realised that I needed to eat when I wanted to get through the first few bars of “The Deadwood Stage” from Calamity Jane without passing out and falling off the cardboard wagon. I started dressing differently, wearing pink plastic jackets and charity shop berets, because it no longer mattered that my Adidas-wearing ex friend thought I looked like a freak. I eventually started to become happier.
To this day, I remain suspicious of ‘best friends’. There are many women I adore, and am close to, but I don’t trust myself to become fully enmeshed. I can’t completely rely on anyone, or trust them not to hurt me the way my former friend did. Maybe that’s sad - but maybe it’s sensible. When you can’t be sure of your friends, you have to be sure of yourself.
It’s horrible that humans hurt each other, and that we often end up learning about it in such a painful way. More than half a lifetime later, I can see that my former friend was struggling with some seriously difficult issues - her parents’ divorce, her own eating disorder, and the general hell of being a teenage girl. I think that rejecting me, and hurting me, made her feel powerful during a powerless time.
I might have cried myself to sleep over her more than I’ve cried over all the men in my life put together - but it’s partly thanks to her that I fell in love with reading, fashion and theatre. Every time I walk into a cafe and eat lunch alone, happy to be by myself, I’m remembering a lesson that she taught me.
Our friendships forge us. Sometimes they slowly build us up, and sometimes they crush us entirely, and this is what allows us to find our true shape. I like the person the pain made me into. Most importantly, I’ve learned to keep liking her even if her friends suddenly stop.
Mean girl mantras - how to cope when the girl squad rejects you
- Limit your social media use. If it’s too hard to quit entirely, put your apps in a folder on your phone, and set time aside to check instead of mindlessly scrolling. Go into your settings and mute people you’ve fallen out with, or hide them from your feed. And it goes without saying - don’t post any cryptic updates about how upset you are.
- Take a class. Try something - anything - that you’ve always fancied having a go at, but no-one would do with you. Anything very physical or crafty is brilliant for absorbing your brain and distracting you.
- Read. Misery loves company, and sometimes there’s nothing more comforting than someone else’s fictional break up/ bereavement /consumption.
- A long walk with an inspiring podcast is great for helping you get past pain and giving you perspective. My favourites are This American Life, Modern Love and On Being guaranteed to make you ask questions about the wider world that go beyond “Why is she so mean?”
- Go for coffee alone, without your phone. Consider going for dinner alone. Feel awkward, feel uncomfortable, then start to entertain the idea that you could learn to love your own company.
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